taniaangel.

Time keeps going on, then feeling grows up or down, and our next action is decided from our own (hopefully) wise thought.  When I truly realized that I can't and I should't have everything for myself, I realized that I should make the best possible decision ever for my own condition. No decision will be perfect, but there will be decision that suits the most for me.  It all started from doing things at my best.  Then I will get varies of feedback; But the feedback that touched my heart, surely is special.  Nobody would be unhappy and not wanting more when something very good touches our heart.  But something happy does not always stay in a longer time,  sometimes the happiness might just stay for some years.  Here comes the taking-decision-role should take a part.  Whether do we decide to go for more, or decide to just let it stay as a feeling that comes in our life and just be casual (not doing more).  Making a decision mostly gives me hard ...

My last blog was 7th Feb 2021 and today is 6th Feb 2025. Wow, never thought that exactly 4 years later after my last blog, I write on this blog again.  This is my oldest platform that I use in my early internet play and still, until now.  Of course, I am so embarrassed of my first blog and the next blogs.  I also think of editing or removing those writings. But this is life, our life will get more advance as we get older. Up until now, I am still in the same decision; to not delete my post just because I am embarrassed. I want people to accept who they are by not deleting my old posts. I want people to know that it is even better if we could just keep our old posts so that other people will also treasure their younger-self doings.  I want people to know that it is very okay if other people see our failures. I want people to know that failures aren't something to be ashamed of, but failures are very normal thing and everyone should experience failures.  So that, ...

I always try my best not to burden anyone. I always cut off something that comforts me so that other people have less problem. But I still have to get consequences of them because I am part of them. And finally, after years always trying not to ever ask "Why did You do this to me?" to God, this time, I did it. I still remembered, last few days, I just wanted to take my own belonging that has now become other's belonging without my knowing, and I am being mad at by that person, although that person has 2sets of it and 1set is already enough for that person, I got mad, and I spoke so loud saying that it's mine. Hah. Then, this other person, let's called A, came out and get angry to me saying, "Is that all you can do getting mad just like that? I am so done with all of the problems we have and you added more problems". This A's angry style is very stressful, you can imagine someone being angry so loud and complaining so loud. Geez, so stressful that I i...

I really want to die. Why does suicide is a sin? It shouldn't be a sin. Suicide should be beautiful for every hopeless people.

Right now, I have some spare time to do something but I can't do anything at all. Not because I am limited in some things. But because, I have too much to do. I decided to get out from my parents' clothes retail business on February but yesterday I was asked to keep helping the business as I still have nothing to do to earn money. I am stuck all this time and I can't keep continuing this thing. I freaking want to start from zero with no one intrudes my life. But at the same time, it's hard for me to say no when I was asked to help. Right now, I have a lot of things to do but I don't know which one should I start first. Because everything is needed to be done soon. I have too much task to do. And in the end, I got panicked and I am angry of myself. I think of rejecting what my parents asked me to do. I should not stay longer there because I need to do so, if not, I won't be greater than I am today. I should live my life, not others life. It's not that I don...

My body temperature is so high, and my skin is hot. My head sometimes get something like passing through and it hurts. And yes, I am stress. I am at my lowest point now. Thinking everything won't do any good. I am feeling so down right now. And again, this thought came up. If I could decide, I wanna end up my life now. E N D

I have always been confusing about deciding every choices in front of me. I am full of knowing the risks and advantages of every decisions. This time, I have to decide between some choices again. It's truly hard for me. But this time, I will just try to listen to what my heart tells me. It will be hard, but well, rather than not making any clear decision, eh? I know things will be better when I have decided what to do, but I hope nothing too bad will happen. I somehow need Kay to help me out about this. E N D

Dear Kay, I am glad to ever met and talked to you. I learnt quite much of you although we have just talked a little bit and just about ordinary things. Day goes on and on. I am waiting for our next meeting. There should be a lot of things we could share about. E N D

Finally , I am able to order online taxi after the big rain has stopped. Sitting on the White Avanza car, listening to old song, with the windows open, and luckily the air is quite windy. I enjoy what I am right now, but at the same time, I am in a full of cautions too because the car should be in closed-window and the air conditioner should be switch on. Medan, the city where I was born at, and also the city that I will love. Located on North Sumatra Province, Indonesia. Today is the first time where I spit out my love to my birthplace. It was even hard for me to leave this city when I should be thinking of where I should continue my studies after I graduate from school. I know, I look like I don't want to be out of my comfort zone, I somehow later realized about that too. But besides that reason, I have another reason too and since it will out of the topic, I won't write it here. This is the city that you will acknowledge a lot of delicious food here. Medan is all about food...

This is what I am feeling these days: Are you the one or not? With this addition: Hahaha, I know I won't make it. I am fatty ass ugly and I even couldn't have diet because food is the only thing for me to get my minds off. E N D

I have been holding myself into something whether it is really from my deepest heart or not. This thing goes up and down. Sometimes I am excited about it and sometimes I am so glad that, at that time, I am not thinking about it at all. I prefer not to get into this thing, and that is the reason of my gladness. I also have been holding myself not to post about this feeling on my blog, but now, I think I couldn't hold it but to spit it here. I prayed to God to ask for a way out, but well, I am not good, because I rarely pray to God, I still haven't found any clue about this. It's not something that I want, it's just something that keep passing my mind and that keep making me curious. So funny to know that I am excited about this but honestly, I myself have never wanted to be excited though. It's very blended. All I need is a way out, an answer. And I wish I shouldn't wait too long for this thing stays in my life.

Everybody will always be full of wondering thoughts when they realize having a special feeling for a person. And all worries are out into the thoughts. Wondering is it right to have a special feeling for that person? Should I start trying? How should I start it from? "Oh gosh, thinking of that burns me out a lot." What if I am only one-sided? Oh my, it will ashamed me if I am really one-sided. What if I am behaving wrong just from my first start? That sure would create a bad impression don't you think? All over the thoughts, you will prefer to just stay in the silence and not starting anything. Hoping that this thing will fade away soon. But by that, things have never been better, and of course have never been worse too. The feeling stays. What a rollercoaster thoughts. You know you should try. But the pride you have closes your way to start trying. *Sigh* Things become complicated when thinking about the pride and the ashamed feeling. You end up being more-fire-up b...

What do you think of "3 Years" title that I made for this post? Is it good? Or is it bad? Well, there are always good and bad things, never one of them. But I am going to write more about the regrets that I have for 3 years this time. I just couldn't believe what I have become today. I am right now a person who is afraid to start anything, who can't believe in myself anymore, and moreover, all of the great things I have ever done before couldn't let me stay great and even better today. I used to be brave to do everything. I used to keep doing everything, not even care of how the results will be. I am quite fearless. I feel like I could do anything. But those things are buried down now. After deciding to get out from the college, I am nothing better. I feel like I am too late for everything already. Nothing better happened after 3 years getting out from the college. I know I am not in the place for blaming other people that made me this useless. I should be blam...

Purpose of life, something that I still don't have until today. Even if I do, I can't reach it. This is what you got when you are almost balance at almost everything. Because you have no specific things ypu really like to be achieved. And I am one of them. I am always this kind of so-so person. I may have many abilities, but actually, I never really get to mastered them deeply. I am good for almost everything, but I could never have been able to mastered them all. I have people around me, but they are still not strong enough to be the reason I want to live and to let them be my purpose of life. If you say that I am cruel and having no heart at all, well it's okay, I won't be mad. Everyone has been telling me, have your purpose of life. But I don't know how to be one. If I have this kind of friend, I would of course be confuse, and telling them that it's impossible to have no purpose of life. People who knows me will know how am I. They know that in my product...

Hello, Tania here. I won't be writing a lot of opening since what I'm going to say is hard to be explain. I don't know whether this is true or not, but I always have this feeling that there are some people that feel amazed and confused on how could I —still— stay with people who —clearly— are the type that not a lot of people wanted to be friend with. Hahaha, what a long sentence for the second paragraph. I am hard to explain who those people are, but they are the people who owned the characters that considered as negative characters, that somehow annoyed you. If you ask me, "could you stand that kind of person?", well I honestly will tell you that I couldn't. But how could you actually stand with that kind of person? The key is only to be a positive person. I know, I am not always a positive person, but I have always push myself to be one when I met those unique people. Annoyed? Of course. Any advantages? Of course no advantages. But why? Because they ...

As I have written on my previous post, I am going to tell you the second miracle that God has done at the barbeque party. I have a friend who is going to get married soon. She has just come back from her holiday where she also did her pre-wedding photo session at there. As wedding preparations are a lot and a lot of money is needed, it is a usual thing for every couple to look for quite good facilities but at an affordable price. And my friend, a female, wanted to have a video clip about her and her boyfriend for their wedding reception by herself. She has already planned to take a lot of videos by herself and has asked my help to edit the videos into a short video clip. But the other difficulties is, my friend also didn't know how to shoot well, moreover, she didn't know the settings for the video. You know, like what shutter speed she should put, the ISO / gain, the fps, and mostly, to shoot in a good angle. She was very excited yet feeling tired that she couldn't learn...

As what the title is, I am going to share you the surprised that God did to me. Last Saturday night, I would be going to have barbeque party at my friend's house. Everything to be prepared was good, but my condition was somehow a little bit disturbing. I am on my period and it was my 3rd day of period on my barbeque day. You know, on the first and the second day of my period, the blood came out the most when it was "noon going to night" time, and they were a lot. And after that, the blood would come out quite much until I woke up the next day. So, of course, I was worrying if the same thing will happen on my 3rd day, moreover, usually the blood still comes out a lot when it is my 3rd day. But guess what? God turned things to be well handled. The blood that came out mostly at the "noon going to night" time didn't happen on my 3rd day of period. What a relief. While having fun and eating delicious foods, I didn't feel anything bad at all, and I haven...

Again, and even more than 2 years, I have not updating anything here. Told you, I was actually love to write again, but as things change a lot and so fast, there are things that telling me not to post so much about myself. I mean, now internet is not really a personal enjoyment anymore. Everyone uses this "internet" chance to grow business and build a better image of themselves. It's not that we couldn't do any personal enjoyment anymore on internet, but it's just that, I am feeling insecure everytime I want to write on this blog, since people rarely express anything beside their happiness anymore on the internet. T he whole world is just like competing to be the happiest people on earth. And after all these years, I push myself back now to write again, with a usual habit of mine, writing mostly about my bad times. I know, this kinda makes me looking so childish, but you know, I have been living so much listening to people's words and now I am just trying to ...

It has been more than a year not writing any post and here i finally decide to write since i am so full of emotions right now and i need things to be lay on and i choose writing on my blog. I am hurt. I felt so much pain in my heart. Too much that i couldn't hold it anymore that i came to cry in my bedroom. These days i have been feeling so empty. Empty because i have less people to share to nowadays. Since my 20th birthday i decided not to look for anyone anymore since i have been giving too much care for people. And here's what i got. A heart that is full of my thoughts. A heart that i even don't know who shall i tell to. And every time i tried to share it to my close persons, i couldn't really tell a lot. Since i don't want myself to blame the related person too much. I tried to hold all of my thoughts about blaming the people that made my heart fall into sadness. But there are some times, when things come one by one in my mind, I couldn't ...

Here i am after decades letting the blog being so quiet. There have been many things happened already but yet i couldn't tell you about what has happened before. This time, i am gonna all sigh-ing again with my problem and i don't care about people reading this. Not that i don't love those people that i will mention, but it's just that hell with people who keep their images so well. That's not my kind. I am open-self since i realize that image is not everything. I have been having a confuse mind, and that made me having no aim in living my life. I don't know what i should be. Somehow i am forced to be someone's robot and when it seemed like i didn't go their way, they blamed me for being someone they wanted. I kept all my complaints by myself and when i just want to explained things, i am said that i am not polite with the elder and then they kept my words very well so then later my words will be able to be used as some new words to get me down. I am fee...