What do you think of "3 Years" title that I made for this post? Is it good? Or is it bad? Well, there are always good and bad things, never one of them. But I am going to write more about the regrets that I have for 3 years this time.
I just couldn't believe what I have become today. I am right now a person who is afraid to start anything, who can't believe in myself anymore, and moreover, all of the great things I have ever done before couldn't let me stay great and even better today.
I used to be brave to do everything. I used to keep doing everything, not even care of how the results will be. I am quite fearless. I feel like I could do anything.
But those things are buried down now. After deciding to get out from the college, I am nothing better. I feel like I am too late for everything already. Nothing better happened after 3 years getting out from the college. I know I am not in the place for blaming other people that made me this useless. I should be blaming myself that I lost my braveness to keep going on. I even blame myself that started with "if only".
To think of it now, although I am not good in giving idea, although I should have super extra practice and experience to get deeper skill, although I am hard to have a big vision, although I could never be the center of attention, but I am best in having big passion, I am able to keep walking and doing things, and I am able to have things so neutral.
But I don't have all of them anymore. In 3 years, I am not brave to do anything. I am so low and slow. I am so depressed. I don't think that I will make it. I am getting old. I am not worth to work at anyplace. I am lazy. I have very bad disciples. I am not going to finish my study if I want to take a new study. I am not good in anything. I won't ever change. I AM USELESS. As I am so depressed, I was even very okay to work as dishwasher and almost drop my CV to the company. To tell you, my city is quite a rasist city, so, as a Chinese-Indo, it is a very low-level job to be a washdisher, moreover, the salary is not big.
I know these 3 years totally are my fault. I know my parents are able to give me big assets for me. But still, I am not as courageous as I was before. I even don't know the aim of my life anymore. I could just go on with my life. I am not brave to dream anymore. I have a big dream, I even have imagined if I achieved my dream. But I don't think I could do it. Moreover my times keeps going on and that made me getting older. And the worries are getting bigger and bigger.
I am so mad seeing myself like this. I have never been in this condition when I was still in school. Although if I have no good scores, but I have this big bravery. But this time, the only thing I have in myself has now been buried to the deepest.
I have many people around me that support me now, but what has been buried won't be able to take it out easily. To you who you think you have ever supported me, I am sorry that I disappoint you. I have hard time fighting with myself these years, I believe that I am getting better nowadays, but still, I am always being trap back again into this problem.
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